12 Nihilistic Productivity Tips
- Don’t multitask. Set priorities for only 2–3 tasks. Be struck with the fact that the universe doesn’t give a hoot about these tasks. Understand how everything we do is inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. Shave your head and move to the Himalayas.
- Assign a designated time to read your emails. Marvel at how humans came up with this amazing piece of technology. Weep that we now use it to send useless reminders, setup pointless meetings and schedule soulless fun-time activities. Rage at the mediocrity that is human nature. Look up articles on ‘When Will AI Exterminate All Humanity?’.
- Use the ‘Pomodoro Technique’. Alternate between working for 25 minutes and screaming for 5 minutes into a pillow. Take a longer break every 4 sessions to jab a fork into your thighs.
- Get up at 5 am every day. Imbibe the only thing that brings you joy: Black, hot, bitter caffeinated bean juice. Watch the darkness before the sunrise and realize that this cold unfeeling night will, one day, wrap you forever.
- Don’t say yes to every request. Learn to say, ‘No’, ‘Oh Hell No’, ‘Fuck No’, ‘Not in a Million Years’ and ‘Not even if you were slaughtering my second-born child with a toothpick’.
- Spend time in solitude focusing on your work. Realize that all your loved ones will die and you will have to cremate them. You’ll be all alone, with only an empty house, an old dog and Alzheimer’s disease for companionship.
- Use your commute time. Read books by rich snake-oil salesmen. Listen to podcasts by frauds or as what the Modern World calls: self-help gurus. Think about how sweet it would be to take a razor blade, slice your wrists and sink to death in a bathtub full of warm water.
- Workout every day. Watch your youthful, flexible body turn into a beat-up bag of old skin. Fall asleep and wake up with newer aches.
- Stop watching TV. Stop playing video games. Stop spending time on social media. Don’t do anything joyful or relaxing. Happiness is a momentary, fleeting pleasure in this grief-forsaken journey we call life. Pain is eternal so you better learn to embrace it
- Put your phone on silent mode while you work. Who’s even going to call you? All your friendships have withered away and your relationships are a facade. Be struck with the feeling that if you dropped dead right now, no one would even miss you.
- Tackle the most important task first. Eat the frog. Feel its slimy, disgusting skin between your teeth. Taste its acidic, stinging blood. Let the frog’s blank eyes pass through your gullet. Relish the joy of ending the frog’s misery of existence.
- Write a To-Do List. Or a Why-Bother List. It’s the same thing, anyway.
