Having been a successful con-artist or what Silicon Valley circles call an ‘entrepreneur’, I know what it takes to be a success in life. I was named as one of 35 Successful (White) Men under 35 by a magazine owned by a white man who is my frat brother from college. I have won tons of awards. I’m handsome and have an easy sounding name like Michael or Mark or Brad. So, believe me when I tell you that you too can become like me. Rich, successful, thin with a genetic predisposition to liver disease. You too can achieve your dreams. Provided those dreams align well with the needs of our corporate overlords. If your dream is to raise a happy, healthy family or become a graffiti artist, then it won’t help you. But those aren’t dreams. They’re wishful thinking. Becoming a rich man with a private jet, mansions and a lingerie model for a girlfriend. Now THAT’s a real dream. Also, your dreams are too small. You need to dream BIG. Bigger house, bigger savings account, bigger tits on your wife and even bigger ones on your mistress. This is all within your reach and I’m going to tell you how.
Now if you think that I’m going to give you the keys to success in the second paragraph of this article, you’re mistaken. First, I will tell you that everything you’re doing is wrong. You go to work every morning? Wrong. You read a book sometimes? Wrong-a-roonie. Did you make spaghetti with meatballs for dinner last night? Wrong-zilla. Also, you’re wasting time. Yes, you spend your weekdays working, cleaning, cooking, taking your kids to school and navigating traffic are wasting your time. You’re wasting your weekends too. How dare you try to relax after a 40+ hour workweek? How dare you rest and recharge like any normal human? You need to be working towards your dream 24 X 7 X 365. Look at <insert random celebrity> here. Do you think she got to where she was by lying around on her ass all the time? NO! She got there thanks to a dedicated corporate machine, Photoshop and the hypersexualization of women by Western culture. Oh wait, went off script there. She got there by hard work, grit, and perseverance.
Okay, so now I’ve called you a stupid, lazy, good-for-nothing slob, I will give you some hope so that I can reel you in. I learned this trick from a book of Ancient Chinese Wisdom. See, I’ve just demonstrated that I read books. I’m so much better than you. Yes, this one simple trick will change your life. It sure did change mine. Five years ago, I was living in my parent’s house. Now after using this trick, I own three homes, five cars, seven AirPods and nine waterbeds. You might think that a man with so much financial security would be out enjoying himself rather than writing such blogs on Medium. But hey, never stop hustling right? So, do you want to know what the trick is? I bet you do. Of course, you do.
But first, let me throw around some names. Warren Buffett. Bill Gates. Charlie Munger. Evan Spiegel. All of these folks use this trick. I don’t have any proof but you’re going to believe me anyway. That’s the only reason they became successful. Trust me on this. Here’s a scientific study that proves that this trick works. It had a sample size of 7, was never replicated and not published in a scientific journal of any repute. But hey, you know the old saying, right? Scientific studies are like the absence of a natural gag reflex. They make things easy to swallow. Also, as the world is growing less religious, it’s difficult to rely on an imaginary Sky-man as the final authority anymore. So, I’ll throw in some mumbo-jumbo about evolution. As I know that you don’t know jack about evolution to refute it.
Here’s a Stoic quote. Stoicism is cool now. Didn’t you get the memo?
Okay, now that I’ve run you down, given you hope, relied on nitpicking and anecdotal evidence, I’m going to tell you the trick. Here it comes. Drum roll, please.
Hahaha did you really think you were going to get this so easily? No, you need to sign up for my webinar. It only costs $1380 dollars. If you sign up now, you’ll get 10% off. At the end of the webinar, you’ll have to buy a ticket to attend one of my in-person shows. They cost $650 per session with a three-session minimum. Also, you can buy merchandise from my website. Here’s a tote bag with an inspirational quote on it. This $65 dollar bag is totally organic, vegan, gluten-free and not made in Bangladesh by poor peasants working for $3 a month. Also, subscribe to my YouTube channel where I make cotton candy videos. You know fluffy things that make you feel good and bad at the same time. Here’s my Twitter, LinkedIn, SnapChat, Instagram, and MySpace. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get rich, become successful, become happy and get fucked in the ass multiple times. Are you brave enough to do it?
P.S. Read Zero to One by Peter Thiel
