There are still 800 million human beings who are chronically hungry. There’s no bigger shame for humanity that we have millions of obese people and millions who are starving. And that we have TikTok videos. The point is that we need to solve this problem NOW! So, here are some easy solutions no one has tried yet but which are sure to work.
Eliminate Sleep
How many times have you heard the phrase “Millions of children sleep hungry every day”? Too many to count, I’m sure. It’s painful to hear these stories of little kids who go to sleep on an empty stomach. By eliminating sleep, the world could solve this problem in a flash. Let’s keep hungry children ( and adults, why should kids have all the fun?) up all night by giving them an endless supply of black coffee, cocaine, and cigarettes. Let’s make sure they never get a wink of rest by blasting heavy metal music near their shanties every day. This sleep deprivation may lead to death but hey, that’s still one less hungry person for the scoreboard.
Redefine Food
If you sit down and think about it, food is only a social construct. Society tells us that some things are food and some aren’t. We’re no better than sheep, following the herd. What is food but things that we shove into our mouths and poop out of our assholes? Why can’t we be more inclusive and bring in more diversity to what we call food? The government should pass a law to declare that everything is food. Cardboard, paper, even glass. The hungry can celebrate and eat rocks, dirt and Halloween decorations. Except for perfectly good pumpkins. Rich people need those for Instagram posts.
Innovate and Disrupt
Considering the growth in the number of food delivery startups these days, it’s clear that the problem is not that hungry people don’t have food. They don’t have the right app to order it. Hedge funds should invest in startups providing curbside food delivery for hungry homeless people. A hungry person can press a button and a millennial will deliver food to his/her sidewalk for just 4.99 per delivery. For $20 a month or three grams of crystal meth, they can upgrade to a subscription plan. The plan will deliver food to whatever garbage can they’re sleeping in that week. Isn’t technology marvelous?
Sew Their Mouths Shut
The one key characteristic of hunger is that it makes people whine. These special snowflakes think that they’re “entitled” to things like food and sustenance. Another great solution for hunger is to sew hungry peoples’ mouths shut. They won’t be able to make a sound when they’re hungry. They can’t complain, cry or whine about their empty stomachs anymore. They can’t even approach you on the street and ask for the leftover filet mignon you’re taking home for your dog. Finally, some peace and quiet, right?
Encourage Cannibalism of Ugly People
There are these people out there who won’t eat ugly produce. Ancient cultures call them ‘Crazy People’. They refuse to buy a perfectly good orange because it’s a little bumpy. Imagine that. Quasimodo was a little bumpy too but no one hated him. Our great prophets and saviours of Silicon Valley have graciously decided to solve this problem by selling ugly produce for cheap. Now, if we want to solve world hunger, we need to learn from these innovators and start selling ugly people as food. I mean really, what purpose do ugly people serve in this world? They’re an eyesore, a genetic abnormality. They’d be better off dead anyway. By encouraging hungry people to eat the ugly, we’ll be doing everyone a favor. The world will be prettier, fatter and we’ll finally have the utopia John Lennon dreamed of.
Use Cooking Shows for Social Change
Have hungry people watch The Great British Bake Off. 20 hours a day, five days a week. They’ll see pretentious twits criticize perfectly good baked goods for inane reasons. Like the crust being a little flaky or the croissant not being buttery enough. This’ll make hungry people wonder ‘Is food worth it?’ and they’ll never eat again. There you go, problem solved. All right, where’s my Nobel Peace Prize?
