Religion is like swimming. Except that it doesn’t make you wet unless you’re at a baptism. Or witnessing a beheading of unbelievers. We have a lot of religions in this world like coffee, meritocracy, and alcoholism. Each has its own rules and methods for achieving happiness. Nobody knows which religion is the ‘true’ one, but we do know that each one does make certain people rich. Including communism. It makes everyone rich by making everyone equally poor. Or dead.
Anyway, with the sole intent of making more money and paying zero taxes, I have decided to start my own religion. Seems simple enough. All I have to do is go to an uninhabited place, like a forest or a mountain or a bookstore and proclaim that I have seen the light. That’s the easy part. The hard part is getting followers. For attracting talent, I present the following features of my religion.
We do not discriminate
If you’ve ever felt discriminated against because of your vehicle type, beer hops, trouser length, shoe brand, the material of your shirt buttons, hair dandruff density or the number of nipples on your body, this religion is for you. Old or young. Rich or poor. Human or Eldritch Abomination. We will welcome everyone with open arms and open donation trays. All are equal, at least in the beginning. Afterward, we plan to pivot to a hierarchical model but there is no need for you to worry. You’ll be better off because you were an early adopter. Yes, keep believing that.
You can eat anything
There is no ban on eating anything in this new way of life. Want to enjoy beef bourguignon? Go ahead. Want to stuff your face with spicy pork? Even though we’re not candlesticks, be our guest. Have a craving for human meat? Just get a waiver signed, and we’ll even cook it for you. The only condition is that you’ll have to eat chilies before you eat or drink anything. Even a dying patient has to eat chilies before taking medicine. And no, bell peppers don’t count. It has to be red and long or you’re dead and gone.
We believe that a giant donut created the world
The World, as it is, came into existence when J-Donz — a giant strawberry jelly filled donut topped with vanilla frosting, decided to sneeze. The expelled mucus became the universe. The boogers became the stars and the planets. The germs became the politicians. We honor J-Donz on 4:35 PM every Wednesday by dancing the hula in a grass skirt tied to our head while tapping our wrists with two fingers like a heroin addict searching for a vein. Every year on a randomly selected day, we will send a text to all our followers to celebrate the great feast of J-Donz. Upon receiving said text, followers have to stuff chocolate cake into their shoes and run a half-marathon.
You can’t pee on the 18th of July
You just can’t. Period. Even if you’re having one.
No rules for women and men. Lots of rules for dogs.
Men and women have zero restrictions. Dogs are not so lucky. Dogs are forbidden to drink and drive. Or lease a Corolla. Or wear a t-shirt with the slogan ‘If you can’t handle me at my Woof, you don’t deserve me at my Ruff’. Dogs are not allowed to marry alligators. They can’t carry Gucci purses in their mouths, Versace is fine though. They can’t sniff each other’s butts without saying ‘Oh my god, that was the best’ after. And under no circumstances are dogs allowed to wear heels longer than 6 inches. Unless they’re poodles.
You can think about peaches
Yes, we are kind and forgiving to people who think about peaches. Aren’t we just the most liberal religion ever? If ever the thought of a warm, sweet peach-colored peach crosses your mind, don’t feel ashamed or even apologetic. We allow every follower to think about peaches. There is no shame in thinking about peaches. It may not be suitable for small adults and large children, but hey, it’s only a thought about a peach. It’s not going to kill anyone.
We know everything
We have the answer to every single question you can think of. What’s The Meaning Of Life? To burp for 39 minutes. Who Created The Universe? Duh, scroll up and read about J-Donz. What Happens After We Die? We are given a choice of becoming a tap dancer who wears high-waisted jeans or an orchestra player with perennially buttered toes. Why Do We type Like This? bEcAusE iT’s BEttEr tHAn tYpInG LIKe ThIS.
We are the best religion and no one can tell you otherwise.
We are the bestest, most scrumdiddlyumptious, religion in the whole world, and any other world. We are the shizz, the fizz, and The Miz. We know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. We are aware, awoken and aroused. Everyone else is a zombie floating through life. We Rule, Others Drool.
So if you’ve read all these rules and are attracted to this new philosophy, you are welcome to join the fold. After paying the low, low, low price of a $99 yearly subscription. You can get your first two months free by using the promo code ‘JUNKINDATRUNK’. Hurry and act now!!!
