If one day, you woke up and discovered that you were the President of the World, the first and only rational thing to do is scream ‘HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?’
President of The World ranks right at the top of the list of non-existent things that people want to be. Even beating roles like Wizard or 24 X 7 Dog-Petter or Homeowner. But, the more one thinks about it, the more this dream job seems like an absolute nightmare.
Since the title is President, we assume that it is a democratically elected role. Does that mean every country in the world has democracy now? Did it come through peaceful means? It’s likely there was bloodshed, war, and corruption which led to the democratization of erstwhile dictatorships. Would you want to be President of such a world which has only started to recover from the brutalities of wars? Also, there will be the displaced groups who once held positions of power but are now like everyone else, thanks to democracy. They’re not going to like you very much since you’re the very symbol of the thing that took away their power. You’d better have the best security force in the world because a lot of people won’t read the word ‘President’ without reading ‘-ial assassination’ after it.
Another question that pops into mind is how were you elected? What kind of a campaign did you run? And most important, how much did you lie? A study that the author did not just make up claims that the larger the population of voters, the larger the lies of the politician. That’s why Chinese politicians lie about how everyone is equal under communist China. Then, they sneak off to their private pool parties on private islands guarded by private security guards who are experts in killing people privately. Also, side note: The writer did not write this. China is The Best. China №1. Go Go Guangzhou. Anyway, since you’re the President of The World, you probably had to speak the biggest lies in the history of electoral campaigns. We’re talking facetiousness dialed to 111. Imagine a WWE wrestler with silicone breasts, butt implants, an orange tan and botoxed lips who claims to be Big Foot. That’s the human version of the lies you must’ve spewed to get yourself elected President of the World. At this point, one must ask ‘How do you live with yourself, you big faker?’
Next, you’d have to wonder who voted for you. Since the entire world is voting, you’d have had to kiss goodbye the familiar political trick of Blame The Other Guy. Want to blame immigrants for every problem? There are no immigrants. Want to blame the followers of a specific religion? If it’s one of the Big Ones, you lose a billion votes right there. You can only blame the religion of the Speed Limit. Since no one seems to follow that. (Badum-psshh, thank you I’ll be here all night) Want to pin all your problems on a foreign conspiracy? There are no foreigners when you’re talking about Earth. Unless you want to put the blame on the human-like creatures of a distant planet. Most of the electorate won’t swallow it. Except for a few rural voters in the middle of Mississippi who’ll go on and on about how ‘Aliens Took Der Jerbs’.
Finally, you’d have to think about your opposition. You beat this person in a global, winner-take-all rumble in the jungle. Your opponent in all likelihood garnered support from billions of people. People who are distraught at the defeat of the person they believed in. They’re going to be on you like Harvey Weinstein on aspiring actresses. Imagine billions of Stings, watching every move you make and every step you take. You’d never get any work done. If you even take a minute off from vacation, there will be 515 blog posts lamenting how taxpayer money is being wasted. If you make even one policy, your political opponents will shred it to pieces claiming it as a war on humanity. Even if it’s a policy to provide drinking water to people in need. You won’t be able to move, think or breath. Your cabinet will be puppets of the global corporate lobbies. Every minute and every second of your day, your actions, your family’s actions will be scrutinized, analyzed and paralyzed.
Still, want the job?
In all seriousness, if you ever have the misfortune and become the President of the World, heed this advice: Start working on getting yourself impeached from the day of your inauguration.
