John Locke once said, ‘Life is very easy to understand. You’re born, you learn to speak, you complain and you die’. Locke might have never said such a thing. In absence of detailed documentation on the daily mutterings of English philosophers, we can assume that he did, infact, say it. Complaints are essential to the human condition but like everything we do, we suck at it. In the age of Constant Optimization, it definitely pays to make our complaints smarter. Who’ll pay for it? We’ll let Kishore, our accountant worry about that.
The most common thing people complain about is slow service at a restaurant. It does not behoove an eating establishment of today to take more than 30 seconds to prepare a meal which is fresh, tasty, organic and authentic. It is your sacred responsibility to complain about the food and service to anyone who listens but you have to be smart about it. Instead of writing another Yelp review, consider a dramatic turn. Slit your wrists at the dinner table. Threaten to jump off a cliff without a parachute. Bash your mason jar of water on your forehead. Let the waiter know that if you don’t get your food now, you’re going to eat an entire slice of non-gluten free bread. If all else fails, try lying spread-eagled on the floor and crying with your fists in the air. If it works for seven-month-olds, it’ll work for you.
Another common complaint that people have is about the weather. But they’re pulling their punches. People complain that it’s too hot or too windy or too rainy or too cold or too perfect for a weekday. Instead, they should be complaining that EVERYONE IS GOING TO DIE. A complaint about the weather has to include the phrases, ‘The Earth is becoming unlivable’, ‘We won’t have food anymore’ and ‘How the hell are you still unconvinced about climate change, you stupid pretzel?’. Otherwise, it is like owning a cat to cure loneliness — pointless, ineffective and a waste of everyone’s time.
Lots of people like to complain about politics which is absurd. Path-breaking research has conclusively proven that politics is an invention made to add entertainment in our day-to-day lives. Of course, we have streaming. But what do we use it for? That’s right, to watch political debates. I rest my case, head, and left knee. If politicians didn’t exist, how else would we argue with our colleagues and relatives about issues we know nothing about? How else would we write an 18-part series of tweets on how everything sucks? Politics lends meaning to our Sisyphean lives. We’d do better by appreciating the countless hours of entertainment it provides rather than write one more blog decrying it.
The number one topic that everyone loves to complain about: Themselves. Yet, people aren’t smart about it. You’d think you’d do a kindness to the Bestest Person in the Universe: You and complain a little better. People love to complain how if they were a bit taller or a bit thinner, their problems would be over. These are rookie dreams. Instead of complaining about your weight, curse why you exist in a body that accumulates fat in the first place. Wail about why the nuclear arms race ended in a stalemate. If everyone had died in an explosion, you wouldn’t have to go to your job as a graphic designer. Don’t complain that your back hurts. Complain that your heart does too. Instead of lamenting your loneliness, go out, make friends, come back and gripe about how people are stupid. Self-pity, like a marbled steak, can be very endearing. It’s only a question of presentation. Just ask the hundreds of Urdu poets who wrote sad odes to unrequited love. (If only masturbation wasn’t banned in those days. Then, the world could’ve been spared of the pretentiousness of Ghalib. Sigh.)
