To be completely honest, war has become boring and yes, your kidneys do look fat in that dress. War is not fun anymore. Gone are the days of War with a capital W. When soldiers would charge down a battlefield armed with rusty muskets. They would duck, dive and shoot themselves in the face. Nowadays, we’ve automated war with our fancy drones and shiny laser-guided missiles. But we’ve lost a little bit of our humanity along the way. To top it off, we have weapons that can destroy all life on the planet in the time it takes Trump to scarf a cheeseburger. All this has turned war into a porridge: bland and gray. We need to make war a whole lot spicier,. To do that, here are some new rules that the United Nations needs to incorporate immediately.
New Army Uniforms
If you look at the military gear of armies across the world, you’ll throw Gulaal into your eyes due to the lack of color. Green, black, grey and sometimes brown. It’s tiresome to even look at these outfits. No wonder they’re called fatigues (Thank you, I’ll be here all night). Army clothing has the same palette as human fecal products. Let’s make war more colorful and redesign all military apparel. Electric blue, magnesium magenta, sunflower yellow, and other bright colors should be the de-facto uniform colors. This will also help the spectators at home to identify who they’re rooting for.
Free Agent Season
Following the trend of major sports leagues, there will be a free agency where soldiers can join the other sides if they wish. This will also rejuvenate the economy as star soldiers can now command lucrative contracts for their killing talents. This will create more jobs for agents, lawyers, and bookies. Not to mention, the countless hours of entertainment that analysts will provide. Imagine the action-packed speculations about a Lieutenant deciding between the Indian or Pakistani army. Armies can also run an off-season draft for recruiting college kids. It sure beats having a desk at the local mall.
No More Guns
Guns are bad, mmkay? Yes, they are. Always. No Exceptions. Can’t hear you. Fingers in my ears. Anyway, attacking each other with guns is so yuppie. Armies need to go full hipster and fight with good ol’ fashioned knives. The infantry can also wield machetes. The navy has to make do with fishing boats. Their objective will be to capture their enemies in nylon nets. The air force will use paper planes. All other divisions of the army will use matchsticks and incense.
The ‘You Do It’ Rule
Ever find it weird that war is 70-something rich men telling 20-something poor men to go fight each other? Soldiers across the world will now have the option to ask their leaders to go fight their own wars. After all, why should someone with youth, potential and a functioning libido get blown to bits? The old farts at the top are living on borrowed time anyway.
Broaden the Definition
Why is war always thought of as two groups of people fighting each other? We need to bring more diversity & inclusiveness to the very definition of war. Opposing armies will now battle each other through ballet performances, extreme hot dog eating, and competitive checkers. Hell, anything can be war if you use your imagination. Imagine the air force squadrons of two countries going head to head in a ‘who-can-do-the-most-loop-de-loops’ competition? Or there could be a platoon wide pancake sizzle-off to determine the winner of the war. Maybe that’s what’ll solve the Israeli-Palestinian divide — Good Ol’ Fashioned Breakfast.
Monetize It
Changing the rules of war can be cumbersome. You have to achieve global cooperation and agree that all humans, including mumble rap fans, are worthy of human rights. Provided this falls through, the next best thing to do is to monetize war. Have social media influencers document battlefield happenings on Instagram. If some of them get killed in the cross-fire, that’s even better. Setup a live stream of the war on YouTube, sponsored by that site selling underwear online. Start AirBnBs in war-torn villages so that travelers can have an authentic vacation in Syria. War may be cruel but who says cruelty can’t make you rich. Just ask Jeff Bezos.
