For most people, Salad conjures up images of tasteless, bland albeit healthy food that no one ever eats on purpose. Those people have never heard of potato salad. A salad that is as healthy as a stack of pancakes smothered in maple syrup. Only less sweet. But yes to a wide majority, salads are like those loud coworkers who never work from home. You don’t like them, but you still have to bear with them when the time comes.
But, like a bar helps a nerd gain the confidence of a jock, salads have stepped up their game through salad bars. (Side note: What is with the American obsession with drinking? Everything has a bar. Salad bars, wine bars, chocolate bars… you get the idea). No more are salads a hunk of lettuce with slices of tomatoes and a watery dressing. With salad bars, salads are now more diverse than the photo on top of college brochures.
Most salad bars in large grocery stores follow the same pattern. If you’ve never seen one, go around to your nearest, preferably hipster-iest, mart at around noon. You will see the full glory of salad bars. After standing in line with the rest of the going-to-have-lunch-at-my-desk folks, you’ll first come to the boxes. There are always two sizes — small and large. The small size seems to almost taunt the overweight, obese and the even wider. As if even eating too much salad is bad for them. You pick an appropriate box based on your girth and move around the counter.
First, you’ll make your way to the greens. Spinach, romaine, kale, and arugula. Without the labels, you’d never know which was which. The greens sit side-by-side in peace. You don’t see this much peace in a green zone. Look at the Middle East. These will form the foundation of your salad. So make sure to lay them down as if you’re laying down a soft bed packed with nutrients. How much you ask? It doesn’t matter. They’re not going to taste much anyway. Add enough that you see some green in every forkful. This way your brain will convince you that you’re eating healthy.
Next, come the beans. Peas, gigante beans, garbanzo, kidney beans are all waiting for the picking. These are healthy and have the added advantage of adding fun to your meal. You know when a solitary bean rolls away and you chase it with a fork; trying in vain to pierce it. At the end of which you realize you’re an idiot. Yeah, funny things these beans.
You’ve heard that the more colorful your salad, the healthier. The next section is where you can let the colors flow. No, don’t turn into the Home section. Not those kinds of colors. It’s actually the sliced and diced veggies. Red onions, green broccoli, white mushrooms, orange carrots and purple cabbage all await you to paint a vivid canvas on your lunch. Make sure to smell the cabbage before eating it though. Otherwise, you’ll paint a vivid canvas in the toilet after your lunch as well. Most salad bars will have whole broccoli instead of shredded which makes no sense. Have you ever tried to eat a giant piece of broccoli without looking like an idiot? You either have to open your mouth super-wide and harbor a risk of your jaws getting clenched. Or you have to bite it piece by piece and look like an idiot. Broccoli features on the list of the toughest things to swallow whole. Other things on the list include watermelon, rocks and your pride.
Then, there’ll be a section for the pre-made salads. Skip this one because it’s a marketing trick. Why would you make a salad and then add heavy, bulky pre-made stuff to it? The only thing it does is markup your final price. Also, why does this stuff always look like someone mixed a bunch of veggies with a ton of mayo? There’ll also be the extras which do not belong in a salad but hey, that’s where the vague definition of ‘salad’ comes in handy. Cold pasta, hard-boiled eggs, rice etc will make up this section. If you have already added onions to your salad, don’t touch the boiled eggs. You don’t want to receive ‘ The Smelliest Employee of the Year’ award. In your colleagues’ hearts of course. Imagine if a company would give out such an award in reality. Well, maybe Trump Inc would.
Finally, you have the toppings. Load up on these. Walnuts, flax seeds, sunflower seeds… they’re all super healthy. At least that’s what you read in that one article your yoga-loving, kombucha-drinking friend sent you. Remember the golden rule, if it sounds foreign, it’s healthy. So load up on the chia and the quinoa. The dressings are right next to it. Now, you want to select a light, healthy dressing. A vinaigrette probably. Oh, you took the ranch. Fantastic. You doused your salad in ranch because that’s the only way it’ll be edible. Makes sense. Great work there. Enjoy your 3000 calorie lunch!
