Scrolling down the news feed. Just scrolling down the newsfeed. Scroll scroll scroll. Too. Many. Kid. Pictures. I never understood how people can look at a newborn and declare if it looks like Mom or Dad. They all look like a loaf of chewing gum to me.
Viral YouTube Video — Already seen it
Personality Quiz — I know which GoT character I am. Thank you very much.
Self-help article — Hmm… Intriguing
12 Things to Do Now To Change Your Life Forever
So, I only have to do 12 things, and they will change my life forever.
Just 12 things.
Wow, that’s so cool. Why hadn’t I found this earlier? What secrets lie beneath this hyperlink? Is it destiny that this popped up for me? Other people would never click this article. But not me. I know what it takes to change my life. I am more woke than the rest of these clowns, trudging along in their daily grind.
These 12 things are going to make me happy, fulfilled, satisfied and completely solve every problem that I’m facing — past, present, and future. What’s that, Reality? Most of our problems are usually caused by circumstances way outside our control. And no matter what you do, there will always be something that will break you. Rip you apart. Destroy you completely.
Shut up Reality. Get with the times. All you need in life is a self-help article. Or three. Self-help has helped millions of people become amazing. At least that’s what a self-help guru told me in a YouTube video. Why else would self-help be a multi-billion dollar industry? These 12 things are the panacea to all problems in life. I know it
I do like my life the way it is now though. But, I remember I read somewhere that we need to step out of our comfort zone to achieve success. Maybe, it was another self-help article. I remember I bought multigrain, whole wheat bread for an entire week after reading it. How’s that for self-improvement?
Also, the title assures me that I can do these 12 things now. I don’t need to wait for it. It’s instant, on-demand apotheosis. Only possible in the age of the Internet.
Okay, let’s see the first thing to do now that will change my life forever. Please don’t let it be heroin, please don’t let it be heroin, please don- No it’s not heroin. Phew. That can change your life in a hurry.
It says that I should get more sleep. This does not apply to me. I get enough sleep. More than enough sleep. I can sleep anywhere and everywhere. At work, at home, on a friend’s carpet passed out drunk, in the park passed out drunk, on my couch passed out drunk. Hmm, I wonder if there’s a pattern here. But I digress. I get 14 hours of sleep on weekends and 5 hours on weekdays. Does that average out to 8 hours a day? It should. So, I am awesome.
The second thing is to eat more fruits and vegetables. The double cheeseburger I ordered for lunch had a piece of lettuce in it. It came with ketchup which is sort of like a smoothie if you think about it. Okay perfect. Already there.
Keep a daily journal. Yes, I’ve been meaning to do that. I’ll quickly order a journal online. After all, nothing beats the feel of writing on paper. I’ll order some pens too. Oh, I’ve been meaning to get a Himalayan Rock Salt Lamp for some time now. It’ll be great to write a journal in the light of this lamp.
Okay, I’ve just spent 20 minutes and 86 dollars. Worth it because this will change my life forever. Let’s look at the next one.
Read more. I read a ton of stuff every day on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and Snapchat. I even read the descriptions of shows I watch on Netflix. Check. NEXT!!!
Drink 8 glasses of water a day. 16 glasses of beer count as 8 glasses of water. No problemo.
Getting bored now. I’ll skim past the next ones. Be mindful. I’ll definitely start doing that. Just let me check my email again real quick. And Reddit. And see if there’s a video on YouTube on mindfulness. Wait, *famous vlogger* posted a new video. I’ve got to see that.
Okay, I watched 16 videos. I think one of them was on mindfulness. Can’t seem to remember. Well, let’s finish the list.
Make time for your friends and family. Oh, I’m a bigger family guy than Peter Griffin. Ha, topical humor. I call my family every weekend. I missed it last week as I was hungover. The week before that I was out brunching. The week before that I was too busy contemplating the hidden subtext of How To Train Your Dragon 2. I’ll call them this weekend unless I have something better to do. They’ll understand. It’s not like they’re going anywhere.
I’ve lost track of where I am now. I ’ll scroll down to the last item. Something about exercising. I don’t have the time for that anyway. I take the stairs down every day so that should be enough. Whoa, the letters fly when I scroll too fast. It’s like the Matrix. The Matrix in Your Pocket. Pocket Matrix. Pocketrix. Sounds like a good startup name. Pocketrix.
Last, remember to have fun. Oh yeah, that’s something I never forget. Sometimes I have so much fun I don’t even remember what I was doing while having fun. It’s fun.
Okay, I’m already doing everything on the list. I’m the most complete, efficient human being alive. Hurrah for me!
